Disability not to see disability

Is it wrong to value people from your point of view? I mean sure you see me different than I see myself. So the same me – in other people I search for these things I care and value. And it’s so sad nowadays more and more I’m getting disappointed. So many fake things, so many fake people, so many harsh people. I’m asking myself – what wrong I’ve done for them? Did I caused this? Why I am surrounded this anger and jealous? Is it my fault? If so, what should I do now? Even if it’s not my fault, what should I do?

Sometimes you think you are happy, but sometimes you think what is wrong with you – why you are still not happy?

I can not say I’m unhappy, I just feel that sometimes I need to hold a wall to stand. To fight with myself every day, every hour and to find this strength inside.

Even so many really terrible things going around, I believe you should never think your problem is less important. We all are dealing things what we have to learn. And who are you to know what is going on in my mind?

Every time you see people with disabilities you think you are lucky. You are, we are, I can not say we are not. But so many disabilities we have in our minds. And so little of us trying to work with it. So little of us realizing that it is a problem. It is sad too, isn’t?

Everything we are going through matters much more than we can imagine. Everything you are learning today influence tomorrow. My life in the past year changed so much that if you tell me that before I would never believe, but in the end I am the same me – same thoughts, same character, same heart.

The thing is that in daily situations you not only have to stay who you are, but also to be very strong not to take this negativity. Anyway sure strength is just something you have to improve all your life.

Being stronger means being prepared.

Prepared for other challenges.

 

 

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For someone you might be the only one to help

How destructive limits can be? How often you hear colleagues, friends, friends of the friends, neighbors, family members telling what they would like to do, but they are afraid of something. Every new beginning is really scary, and from myself I know how many bad things you are thinking before something new starts. And after all you realize that it is not possible to fail so strong that you don’t have other options after. All this life is about options – if you choose something, try so hard, give all your heart, but get nothing back, what is the point to continue? Mostly I am talking about my generation, but I see older people scared to much a lot. I mean if you are healthy, if you are smart, if you are kind and intelligent, how is that possible you think you will fail? We can do, have and be exactly what we wish.

How destructive can we be? Definitely this is very important factor why there are so many self unsecured people. I see people being happy if you fail. People want you to fail. They want to be better than you. They make you feel they are better. No mistakes, no confusion.  And this makes us to prove something for people you don’t really need to think at all. You are doing something not because you want, only to show they were wrong.

How many times you heard “didn’t I tell you?”

“Didn’t I tell you I am right?”

“Didn’t I tell you don’t do that?”

“Didn’t I tell you’re going to fail”?

“Didn’t I tell you I know better”?

Dear Lord, WHY? I come to you expecting support, expecting to make me feel better, to live the moment, but you attack me. I am not you and you are not me. Sometimes I wish we learn more about shutting down at the right moment.

I am wondering or I actually know people do that trying to protect and wishing all the best, but if this is the way you show love, do you really love that person? Do you really think there is no other way to show how important he/she is for you? I remember when I was thinking to start to write this blog, I asked good friend of mine what she thinks, if it’s a good idea. And she said yeah, you can write, but what is your topic? People write about fashion, flowers, cars or any other things, and you will write about nothing. And of course I care about this friend, I respect her opinion and I was wondering first of all, is that true, second – why I can’t write whatever I want, and third – why she said like that. She knows me very well and she knows that this not my topic only, this is the way I express myself, realize what matters for me.

I don’t want life based on survival, I refuse to have it. Maybe it will take all my life to search, maybe I will never find what I am looking for, maybe I will never surely understand who I am, but I will give all my efforts to try. And I refuse to have people around who are not planning to help me to do that.

I believe we have to push ourselves to be better person.

Help people. Listen and support.

We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.

Maybe for somebody you are the only one doing that.  

Money don’t have nationality

I‘m looking for an answer. I‘m looking for so many answers, but the truth is i don‘t know what is the right question. We are the problem in this world. We are making problems for ourselves, we are hurting others and so often even not thinking about it. If you have roof under your head, if you have bread for your dinner, if you have people whom love you, what else do you need? You need an answers. But what are these questions?
I am wondering from where all this negativity comes. It looks like there is nothing to complain, but you feel so small, so lonely, so lost, dissapointed. You put shit in your head and you can‘t let it go. You feel like in prison in your own brain. You try to run away, but where to run if everything around is the same? Everybody is dealing with such a big things. We all are fighting every day for a better life. We live day by day, we believe in a bright future, we don‘t understand the power of now, we try to pretend that we are so good, that we are so happy, so lucky. For what reason? Not to disburb others with our problems or make other people more misserable? We are not honest enought. We are not honest at all. And first of all, we are not honest with ourselves.
Every deep conversation you are able to have gives you something. You learn. You see you are not alone. We all are people. We are just people. We all came to this life when some higher power decided and will leave it when the time will come. Why we are not trying to be correct, supportive, open minded? Words are so powerfull. I‘m always saying that words are just words, you can say anything, you can play so easy, but I don‘t mean it. Very simple honest word can make other person feel better. And the truth is you have to say truth. Others see us different than we see ourselves. We are actepting people as they are, but maybe telling to others how you see them makes them grow. We believe we are something else than we are, maybe we wan‘t to be somebody else, or maybe we are being flexible to get something. We all are just users.
Today i got so upset. I was so dissapointed seing how people are obsest about money. Even the money which will never be in your pocket. Maybe I don‘t understand this life, maybe I don‘t have nobody to take care and feed, but how, can you tell me, how can you believe that some paper is more valuable, more important than alive creature? I am polite, i am very polite, I dont feel hate for nothing and for nobody, but there are two things I can not stand – greedy people and fake people. For God Saint, I don‘t want to change them, I just really really want to avoide them.

The power of now

Everything in this world is in the power of time. We plan so many things, we think we will do so many stuff, we will stick for something, improve, grow, will be somebody.

Even small things. We like to plan our life, tell our minds to others. Share that next month we will go on holiday, next year we will be promoted at work, will receive higher salary, in five years we will get marry, will have house, children etc. I was so jealous for people who know what they will do, they know what they want. I was always wondering how, why… why I don’t have all these feelings, why I am so lost. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I will do or even what I am doing and I have no fucking idea what I want. Nowadays I even lost inspiration to write. Just enjoying peaceful life and trying to understand psychology of the local people.

I can’t stand fake people and so many of them I found here. Being nice for a reason to get something, to use. It is not common for me to see people over 30 years talking how they enjoy the freedom and how they don’t want nothing serious, just fun and definitely definitely nothing more.

Yesterday I was having this conversation how people close minded can be. How do you know what will happen? How can you put limits on something you don’t realize? Putting boundaries, blocking yourself, playing with your brain and repelling others. We all are scared to be hurt and to lose people we care. From wish to have and control we say and do mean things. And this is life. We are learning every single day and every single moment. Just we have to make sure these means words are not the last we said…

Some words stalled in my mind from yesterday’s conversation. It was an old wise man counsel. Not for me, for the person I was sharing my thoughts;

Don’t talk too much. Always listen what others are saying. How can you learn something if you are talking all the time? Listening is the only way you can learn something new.

I agree. 100 percent. But in the end today I feel inspired. I spoke a lot and by talking, by having these kind of conversations I understand more about myself. How I was, how I am, what I learned, how I changed and what I want.

Life is full of opportunities. You never know what will happen, whom you will meet, how it will change your life or your plans which you created so long. Making plans takes so much energy. You are giving all of you to believe in the bright future, you wait and you get upset if you don’t get what was expected. We need to stop doing this and enjoy the moment. It will never be the same again.

Just some simple stuff

What would you do if you knew it’s only one month left to live? Time goes so fast. Too fast. Maybe today is my last day. Or tomorrow. I don’t know. Nobody knows. But even If I was sure it is like that I would not quit my job, take a loan and just wait for my last day to come spending money. I love my life. I just love it. It’s so strange to feel that you are living. I swear mine and yours God it was no difference for me if I just go to work and the car will hit me. Only excising. Even I had a good job and lovely people around me.

I am dealing with myself still of course. Some things makes me crazy, upset or angry, sometimes I feel lonely and lost, but in the end of the day I enjoy everything I have. And also I am scared. Scared so much this will end. This period of my life which I don’t want to call holidays. Even I have no plan for the future, definitely I know I don’t want to live in my country. I love even the foreigner status.

I try to understand people who are angry on me. That I don’t want to come back, that I am not calling too often or even not missed too much. I really try and I feel sorry, but this is who I am, this is what I feel. Why I have to explain myself? Why I have to feel bad about my feelings? In my 26 years of living I understood that I like loneliness. Like lonely cat who always likes to go by itself. Its good or bad – you don’t have the right to judge.

Last week was special for me since my friend came to visit me. I love to party, yeah. And yeah, I’m in Agia Napa! And most of it I love my friends. I had an amazing time, laughing from nothing, doing anything, getting so so tired and ups… wasted ))) The parties here are the best, but it’s only the best if you are with the right company. Actually I never care about the places to go. I mean cafes, restaurants etc., cause if you enjoy the company, you will enjoy it on the beach with a bottle of campaigns and a towel to lie. Of course not day time.

Always I am asking what is the worst can happen. And it’s nothing I can change. I mean if you will loose something you don’t need, you will not be upset. The right time not exist. And even if you have more than only one life, you will not remember it. So don’t blame nobody and enjoy it!

P.S. one my friend is upset with me right now because I said I didn’t miss what I left. I just want to say of course I miss you. And if you know me you know I value people more than anything. I am terrible at expressing my feelings, but my heart is big and white. Definitely )) !!!

Be yourself. No matter what

Way too often we try to show we are somebody. So beautiful, so smart, so unique, so important. But being simple doesn’t mean you are not beautiful, not clever or not interesting. Always, no matter what you have to be just the way you are. And even you know somebody will not accept you, don’t try to pretend. To cheat yourself very easy, to understand your mistake and to revive takes much time and energy.

I know some things very hard to refuse. Some people as well. But knowing that you are not free by communicating equal betraying yourself. If you stop yourself you stop growing. If someone even without a purpose stops you, what is the point of this communication? It’s difficult to realize this. Very easy we are letting go good people from our life. Trying to explain, trying to talk, trying to change, to change other, to change yourself. It’s good if two people doing this, but if you talk to wall, you will never get an answer. Maybe only if you are high.

You can’t be happy from addiction to somebody. You can only be happy if you know somebody around you cares about you, supports you and wish all the best. No matter if this person is your husband, girlfriend, friend, neighbor or somebody whom you met yesterday on the street.

Be super crazy if you want, be super intelligent if this is who you are, be honest and everything you do – do it from the bottom of your heart.

If you see pretty face only, you are nobody.

If I am judging you, I am nobody.

P.S. if you don’t believe in fairytales you can’t live one.

I am sending my warmest regards from Cyprus to everybody who is reading this.

No worries if you feel lost. We all do. You don’t know what you are doing until it’s done.

Nothing is perfect – accept it and enjoy

You are you no matter what. This was in my head when I sit in the airplane and was waiting for my flight. In what place I am now I was thinking. I am 26 years old. I quit my job which I was doing for two years, I left my hobby “job” which I was doing for six years. Office job is not for me at the moment for sure, but basketball was a big part of my life. Unfortunately this hobby messed up with much negativity and it affected me a lot.

I left my friends, my lovely amazing crazy friends which I love so much, my mom who is my only family and everything I created in these years after studies. Where I am going? Cyprus. Why? I don’t know. I believe everything happens for a reason and I am here because I have to be here.

The last day or maybe couple of last days before leaving was difficult. It breaks my heart to see my mom crying. She didn’t ask me to stay but I know it was the biggest her wish. On the last moment I felt like maybe I don’t have to go, just to wake up and come back to my real life. But what is real life? The life when you feel nothing more than existing? Comfort zone is an addiction, and no matter how strong I can look, as weak I am. Many stuff I have to deal with, but I have all my life to do this. We all do.

It’s around one month I am living in Cyprus now. Still can’t say if this is real life, o just holiday. Excited, curious, interested. Meeting new people, seeing new places, working in the hotel and speaking with customers all around the world, sharing thoughts, enjoying sun, good weather and everything else. It feels good. It feels so good. On my first week I told to myself and my closest people – I didn’t feel so happy for a long time.

Few days ago I just catch myself smiling without any reason. I am not the fan of perfection but by walking alone to the beach I realized that there is no reason to have too much stuff in your head. All my life I thought overthinking is just a part of me, but by talking to open minded people every day I realized that it’s not true at all. As one wise guy told me overthinking brings nothing more than negativity. When you are trying to understand something always you imagine the worst. So from now anytime I find myself thinking about something too much I just stop. It’s enough stress everywhere, why to put more from yourself? There are many things we will never be able to change or understand 100 percent. Wait for this what life is giving, be excited, be nice to people, be human being and accept things as they are. Never be afraid to fail and don’t stop yourself.

I am not perfect.

You are not perfect.

Life is not perfect.

Stop thinking, accept it and enjoy!