Do it for your own reasons

 

I am sitting in the room and checking the pictures of an island on internet. I will be there in a little bit more than two weeks. I have a job, place to live and one way flight ticket. I decided to move for a while and to deal with the stuff I feel I need to.  I have no idea what is waiting for me or what I will do after, but I am excited to know.

The mind to travel, to change, to understand, to learn something I have no idea what was deep inside me for a long time. I don’t know what I am looking for, but I know for sure I will never understand without trying.  And it took me too long to decide. Stuck in office and daily routine made me feel that I am not living this live. That I just exist for survival. And the most painful part was that people who love me don’t push me to change anything.  Or maybe I was just too scared to hear that. However, I have reached the limit.

I think not everybody even from my close environment understands me. But I listened to others too long. Everybody wants what the best for them. So do I.

At work they tell you who you have to be and how you have to behave to make your heads happy. You are trying to be a part of it, but in the end you understand that you are just a measure to implement someone’s dream. At least I felt that since I was not in my sleigh. I don’t know if I will be, if I ever find what I am looking for, but it’s worth to try.

Anything we do we have to do it for our own reasons. We are so selfish. Too selfish. Even the closest family members are selfish. They stop us not because they don’t want what is the best for us. They want us close to them.

My good friend’s brother moved to Australia permanently. I asked his mom is she is ok with that. I will always remember her words:

“Better to know he is happy somewhere than to have him here and see him suffering”.

We can only learn from our own mistakes. Never stop. Always support.

Surrounded too many negativity

I am not sure if this feeling is common in other countries, but we Lithuanians have this thing I really can‘t stand. We see everything with too dark colors. There are so many stories I could tell, but today I want to share my thoughts and experience connected with traveling. Actually I am not this hating person, usually I just laugh from it.

Im standing in the airport and waiting for my check in. Next to me – two grown up Lithuanian women, 35-38 years old. One is telling to another (it‘s about holidays):

Everything was so bad… But still.. I don’t want to come back home“.

Wtf they are talking about? I was about to start to laugh. How is that even possible – where and how you live if your holiday was so terrible but still you don‘t want to go back? I can‘t really understand what is wrong with these people.

On my study years i was working in a hotel in Crete and sometimes clients were talking that food is not good enough, beds are not comfortable enough ect. One guy, guest, with whom we become friends told me:

„All I care is a place to sleep“.

People should care more about their activity, what they can take from this holiday, whom they can meet, places they can see. And all they care is food? If you care so much about this stuff – choose 5 stars hotel, not the one where you pay 300 euros for flight tickets and a week with all inclusive. And at the end – I am really curious what these people are eating at home. Two summers I spent in Sergios hotel located in the center of Hersonissos. I swear everything is much more than great there!

Nowadays I am trying to travel as much as I can afford to myself. Not always I am able to stay in the hotel, but it was never a problem. You are getting more fun experiencing different ways.

Few weeks ago me and my friend were walking in the center of Helsinki where we had only few hours and we felt so lucky. We were having this conversation that it was zero times when we said anything bad about our trips, places where we slept, food we ate or activities we did.

I don‘t know an answer, if I am really lucky with choosing, or if I am just this person with positive minds. If so this I can consider as bigger luck.

I also don‘t know if money spoils, I am not rich. I just wish to see less sulky and disgruntled people around.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be

Everybody told me I am crazy when not long time ago I decided to go on holiday alone. However it just led me to do this for sure. And of course I was alone only as much as I wanted.

I can‘t say I met great people, still I don‘t know them, but as I love to communicate I found really great talkers. Sometimes in my usual environment I am really missing this – conversations not about food or shoes or jokes. Its easy to be funny, its easy to talk about yourself, to tell other people how great you are, but listening is love and sharing minds is thoughtful. People are not who we think they are, however if you are nice with them, you can make them better. 

I discussed a lot about it with public I don‘t actually know, and what is strange for me, it is so difficult to find someone to talk about it in my ussual environment. Again the same, but this is not my topic for today. Now I am curious about why do we feel nostalgia. I don‘t know, if you, or, when you, feel this, but I get this feeling always after travel. When first time I spend few months in Greece, where I met amazing people all over the world, I fell in love with those people, country, language, traditions and everything. After I came back home I felt pangs of love, I thought I will never see these people again. I was so tearful and grievous, but next summer I came back to the same place. And now time to time I am meeting them in different places of the world.

Still I can‘t voide longing, but I don‘t think it is amiss.  I know you will never get into the place you don‘t have to, I know you will never meet someone you dont have to, I know you will never learn something you dont have to. Everything matters.

Even those people, whom you don‘t apreciate, gives something for you, you learn something from them, you can change and you can change them simply by not knowing it.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. You are longing something you will never get. I mean the same: you can‘t get the same moment or feeling twice. However it‘s worth to try. To try to feel, get, learn more than you can imagine

No reason to be afraid to trust yourself

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Yesterday I got one of the best advice I’ve ever had:„I see you don’t know what you want. But trust yourself.“

I was thinking so much about it and I realized that I really, first of all, don’t know what I want. They say you need to have an aim in this life. We are waiting or seeking for something so material – diploma, career opportunities, driving license, holidays, we are interested in learning something, but what we feel after we do? Do we feel better, smarter, more beautiful, more intelligent? Do we increase our overall self esteem or self confidence in this way? Or do we feel even bigger emptiness? Cause I do.

Despite all material stuff, that I still need and I am sure I will need for the rest of my life, I am looking for something more. Just who can answer, what is this I am looking for? Some feelings, adventures, experience, people, opportunities. I need to realize something. I am sure there is more than material world and typical rules.

How to do this? How to find something, if you even don’tknow what you are looking for? Trust yourself. We always do something, what is right to do, even without thinking if this is what we want. We work every day from…till, we make the same road every day, we eat the same breakfast every day, we are going to sleep at the same time every evening and we are happy when we have a few weeks to spend abroad or to visit our families in the villages. Is that all we want? In this way, I believe, not possible even to feel that you live. That you are alive, curious, intelligent, smart, charming individual.

Trust yourself. Trust your power of heart and mind. There is nobody else who will tell you what to do. Because they don’t know. You can show to other people any of your side, but only you know what you truly feel, what you really want and what is deep in your heart. People are very individual and different. We want different things. And our problem is that we want to recruit our ideology for others. For example, if I love basketball, I want my friends to love it too. If I want to work inthe office, I am shocked why my friend want to travel around the word. But it is not right, you have to trust yourself in every step you are making and every breath you are taking.

No one knows better what you need than you, because no one feels what you feel. Trust yourself and believe your power. If you want to start to write a BLOG, do it. If you want to go to the gym, do it. If you want to date this guy, who is bad in the opinion of others, do it. Nobody have right to judge your choices. If you feel that you don‘t belong where you are, don‘t be there. If you want to be a singer, stick it. Be happy by following your heart and your own power of mind. Think about it, what is the worst thing that can happen by following yourself? People, who loves you, will always support you no matter what you will do and where you will be.

Don‘t be afraid to make a change. If you don‘t like your life, change it. You won‘t live again.

Happiness is state of mind

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My greatest discovery is enjoying being alone. Loneliness is not what makes us sad or unhappy. If you can’t be alone, that just mean that you are afraid of yourself, of your minds, of who you really are.

Couple of years ago I could swear I will never live alone, I will never travel alone, I will never do anything alone, because it’s just not funny. I felt so happy surrounded many real and fake friends, having parties, going to disco or meeting new guys. And still I have days like that. Sometimes you just want to relax, drink few Margaritas or dance with a cute boy, but today, this evening, I feel so comfortable by being alone in my room with a big cup of tea, piece of paper, sentimental music and warm socks, which my friend gave me as a Christmas present. I don’t know if I ever had this feeling and I don’t know if i will ever have. But it‘s good, it’s really so good. Today i feel happy from the bottom of my heart. 

Being happy is what everybody stick so hard. Trying to get a better education, job, cooler boyfriend or girlfriend, fancy car, nice apartment or fashionable clothes. 

Being poor is low, but poverty is not the lack of money. There will always be cooler, prettier, richer people than you. Real confidence is inspiration. 

To be happy means to be crazy, sad, emotional, mad, grateful, calm, festal, joyous. To have full palette, to survive every emotion and every moment. Every tear and every laugh line, every fall down and every ability to rise is our way to find happiness.

This journey is what really makes us happy.

Vienatvės baimė

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Vartydama dovanų gautą knygą klajojau mintyse ir svarsčiau, kokiais būdais žmonės bando bėgti nuo savęs. Iš vienos pusės kiekvienas dalykas, kurį mokomės ir stengiamės perprasti, veda mus tobulėjimo link. Tačiau tuo pačiu stengdamiesi aprėpti tiek daug, nuolatos skubėdami, lėkdami ir nerasdami laiko atsigręžti atgal, prarandame suvokimo galimybę. Likdami vieni nebežinome, ko griebtis ar net drįstame sakyti, kad neturime, ką veikti.

Ilgai ieškojau atsakymo, kodėl norėdami patirti laimės valandėlę pasineriame į naujos suknelės ar automobilio paieškas, džiaugiamės įgiję išmanųjį telefoną ar pavakarieniavę prašmatniausiame sostinės restorane. Apsivilkę naują drabužį su išmaniuoju rankose sėdame į prabangų automobilį, pavalgome, susimokame sąskaitą ir grįžtame namo. Jaučiamės laimingesni? Galbūt. Bet kiek laiko tas jausmas išlieka? Nesu geresnė ar blogesnė, elgiuosi lygiai taip pat. Net ir suvokdama viso to beprasmybę.

Nesvarbu, esi būry šimto žmonių, vienui vienas, vedęs, ištekėjusi, neturintis antros pusės, apsuptas mylinčių žmonių ar neturintis kam pasiguosti, vienatvės jausmas yra tiesiog vienas iš daugelio, pasitaikančio mūsų gyvenime. Nėra reikalo nuo jo bėgti. Kaip išgyvename džiaugsmo akimirkas, taip pat išgyventi turėtume ir bet kokią kitą emociją, kuri yra tiesiog gyvenimo dalis. Kuo daugiau iš to sugebėsime pasiimti naudos sau, tuo daugiau suprasime ir tuo didesnį žingsnį padėsime į priekį.

Sulaukusi pilnametystės labai norėjau pabėgti. Ieškojau laimės vakarėliuose, krūvoje netikrų draugų, nereikalinguose pirkiniuose ar netinkamuose vaikinuose. Tačiau naują dieną pradėdavau ne šypsena, o tuštuma, ir tas jausmas taip ilgai gyveno manyje, kad buvau spėjusi jį tiesiog priimti, nė nebandydama judėti pirmyn. Nevertinau žmonių, nesinaudojau galimybėmis, negalėjau pamilti. Būdama nuolatinėje bėgimo nuo savęs būsenoje pamiršau stengtis pamilti pagrindinį žmogų – save pačią. Pykau ant pasaulio, aplinkinių, ieškojau kaltų, ieškojau pasiteisinimų, nors visa tai turėjo būti nukreipta į mane. Kaltinau likimą ar dar kažką dėl tam tikrų situacijų, kurioms neturėjau įtakos ir kurios taip tikrai mane žeidė. Užsidėjau milijoną kaukių, saugodama save nuo aplinkinių, nors saugotis turėjau savęs.

Bet pasaulis yra toks, kokį jį matome. Žmonės yra tokie, kaip su jais bendraujame. Suvokimas yra toks, kokį išsiugdome. O vienatvė tėra savęs pažinimas.

Apie tai, kas neturi atsakymo. Neturi ir pavadinimo

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Kur eitumėte, jeigu galėtumėte rinktis bet ką? Ką veiktumėte, jeigu galimybės neribotų? Ko siektumėte, jeigu galėtumėte viską? Su kuo būtumėte, jeigu širdį atvertų bet kas? Jei galite atsakyti į šiuos klausimus, aš jums paprasčiausiai baltai pavydžiu.

Ieškodama atsakymų į šiuos ir visą krūvą panašių klausimų pasimetu mintyse. Gal gyvenimo kelias turi būti toks, kokiu pats gyvenimas mus veda? O gal atvirkščiai, noras siekti konkrečiai nesuvokiamų dalykų ir klausytis širdies balso turi vesti mus į priekį? Toliau svarstau, ar kažkas turi vesti, ar mes patys turime eiti ten, kur norime būti. Pasielgi spontaniškai, o kitą akimirką supranti, kad esi čia ne veltui. Vieta ir žmonės, nors realybėje iki tol niekada neregėti, tau tokie artimi, kad visa širdimi jauti, jog tai negali būti sutapimas. Kartais atrodo, kad supratau tai anksti, o kartais, jog per vėlai. Tačiau tai tik viena pusė. Juk kiek daug pavyzdžių, kai tiksliai žinai, ko nori, kur eisi ir ką darysi. Kai pasiseka, dėkoji likimui ar svarstai esantis laimės kūdikis, kai krenti veidu žemyn, ieškai pasiteisinimų, teigi, jog nujautei nesėkmę. Drąsių žmonių pažįstu nedaug.

Sunku pripažinti savo klaidas. Sunku sau atleisti. Sunku keistis. Mokytis. Tobulėti. Pradėti daryti tai, ko nesi daręs. Bijai klysti, juk reikės tai pripažinti. Užburtas ratas. Prakeikta komforto zona, kuriai sunku trenkti durimis. Kiek daug visko žmogus išgyvena kovodamas pats su savimi ir ieškodamas savęs. Ir kokią naštą uždedame mes smerkdami jo pasirinkimus. Kokią teisę mes turime teisti? Nes visų pirmiausia nulinčiuoti tektų save. Mes nesame tai, kas manome esantys. Nesame geri ar blogi, linksmi ar liūdni, protingi ar kvaili. Siaubinga, bet dažniausiai esame tokie, kokius mus nori matyti.

Gavę laikiną pripažinimą jaučiamės laimingi. Tada svarstome, kad turime pasikartoti, kad norime pritapti. Bėgame nuo savęs. Suprantame, jog tai neįmanoma. Jaučiame spaudimą. Dvejojame. Apsimetinėjame. Nebežinome, kas esame.

Žmogus žmogui žmogus. Tai yra didžiausia vertybė. Tik palaikydami ir stengdamiesi suprasti kitą, to paties galime reikalauti atgal.